Fin

The curtain has closed only to begin to start another show. The show that many people like to hide away from the masses because it's not the ideal story to tell. Everyday, people use their platforms to appease people who also have some sort of issue or problem themselves. Everybody worried about being judged while judging; laughing and looking down on others until one day, that person is no longer around. Now here comes the tears and the onset of guilt as you played a role in that person's demise, contributing to their judgement.

With that also comes the knowledge to know when enough is enough. There is a silent sound...no it's not tinnitus. It's a sound telling me to use my story as a way to help others. There is nothing that can be done to me that hasn't already been done. If God wants it to happen, it will happen, especially if you're listening. This sound been going for a while. It's a sound of peace. One that seems to lead to a road to happiness despite the trials and tribulations I've had to get here. Today feels like that chapter is truly at it's end as the burning desire to fight no longer resides in me.

We can look at it as in the construct of death. To me, zygote to 40 is no more. The mentality of that person has died. It has been cremated, returning to ashes, to be mix into other soils that will grow the most beautiful garden; one that is bountiful in every way that it feeds those that choose to sit at a table of love.

Love. Something Dionne Warrick just sang about this past Saturday on SNL while doing a sketch with Ego Nwodim playing the iconic legend as a talk show host of her own show. Many laughs in that sketch, seriously, all the way down to "getting" the Co-Vid vaccine. What stood out was the song Ms. Warrick decided to sing on the closeout. "What the world needs now, is love, sweet love!" It was because she was right. The feeling in me to not want to fight is natural. When I look back over my life, every single situation, I've only wanted to be treated kindly as that's what I've had in me to share with the world. When you get older and realize your mother just truly doesn't love you, you start to understand the world would treat you just the same...and THEN you sit and wonder HOW on EARTH did you not harm anybody or yourself?

"You gonna be big as a house!" "Nobody gonna want you!" "You just a big ol' baby!" I expect to hear things like this from my peers as they already decided I was too light, too tall, too big, and too nappy headed to love...but from my momma? Never expected any of that but it's what I was subjected to. As an adult, I would learn it is due to my mother's complete disgust in the man she choose to be my father. As the oldest of three, I would learn its the reason why she doesn't have a relationship with ANY of us. Now, I could look at this in a sad way: My mother is living, here, in the world, and we don't talk. Instead, I look at the goodness in having a father who has been nothing but open and honest on his side of a three- sided story (Mom, Dad, and God). The greatest gift I've gotten from my Dad is accountability. That has helped tremendously on my path. It is allowing me to be more open and free to tell my story and makes me proud to be able to tell it to help others who may have a similar issue.

The end can always seem scary but it always leads up to a new and exciting beginning. When you are used to "fighting" it seems strange just putting down the gloves. When you run out of steam, you have no choice. Love does not hurt. You should NEVER have to fight for it. If at any moment you feel as if you have to fight for love, remove yourself from the equation (if you can) and realize that person has some serious deep seeded issues that you are not equip to handle. In the circumstances of my mother, I can not control what family I was born into. Those years with my mother were training grounds for the hell I would endure on Earth. How much worse can life be when the person who gave birth to me doesn't love me? Oh I would find out in the form of "friendships", "relationships", and matrimony. You learn just how much people think of you when their only intent is to use you.

It's as if I'm supposed to talk about these things because a lot of [you] muthaf**kers think that these things that happen in life to people are funny. It may not be me, but someone else you know personally, professionally, by chance, some celebrity or other being, may be going thru something...and the first thing we do is judge. I know too much of nothing about my mother other than what she cared to share. As an adult, I would find out my mother suffers from a range of trauma herself. She doesn't acknowledge it as trauma and never will. She doesn't know how to love and for that I forgive her. Now, in some hole on this green and SUPER blue planet, somebody thinks that sh*t is funny. You know what's not funny, those same neglected people committing suicide or growing up to be killers. Being a villain is a choice, one that, no matter how hard I tried, does NOT fit my character. It's not what God intended for me and that is what I had to learn walking this journey.

Every last sh*tty thing I had to endure in life has lead me here to write about it...because I'm still here to talk about it. I'm not trying to change the world, as I realize I am not for everybody. I am only for those I am for. See, the cards dealt to me showed me early that people's love is contingent on how THEY feel, no matter what their connection is to you. The important thing is that there are people who love me unconditionally just because I am the way God intended me to be. I'm not supposed to be this hardened, hateful, bitter, soul. I'm supposed to be the lovable, helpful, informative, supportive person I've always been. I look at my son and see a lot of myself before life changed at 9 years old. That happiness and innocence in him makes me happy to see because by the time I was 11, the happiness was long gone. I live for him.

This is definitely the end as I have no more fight in me. I only have energy to receive the love and blessings that God has for me and my tribe. If I have to fight or beg for anything, it was never mines to have. It's not for me. It does not have my best interest or benefit nor does it care what I have to say or the goodness in my heart. Ralph Smart put it best...maybe I've been working in Angel time all this time while trying to make sense of demonic problems.

I have turned in my badge. The fight is over.